My Life and Hell

So many years have passed

I have almost forgotten

But my memories remain

 

I’ve journeyed too many roads

Rough and Turbulent

Too many visions shown

 

What have my eyes seen?

My heart felt – touched?

Now my life in shambles

 

So many wrong choices

So many deceits

Too many lies

I’ve lost my way – again.

 

So now I journey back

Forget where I’ve been

Forget what I’ve done

Forgiven – Forgotten

 

Thou I walked this path again

Returning – Revisiting – Remembering

Still I am lost – forgotten

 

Will I take this journey?

To the end? – complete?

Will I walk alone? – again?

When will I find her?

 

Visions long passed – and a poem

A love mistaken – but revealed

Will she walk with me?

Could she stand with me?

 

How will I know she’s there?

Blinded by the sun – the moon

Deafened by the screams – the silence

 

Have I really lost my way?

Memories long past

Faint – faded – gone

A glimpse in my eye

 

Running away

So far to go

No where to run

 

What am I running from – who?

Can I get away – escape?

Is there any hope for me?

 

So far away I have come from reality.

It’s now time to return…

So, haven’t taken so many walks in years…I kind of missed the freedom. When I think back….I’m amused…I walk for peace of mind, and yet I never let anybody walk with me…alone time….me. But Stephanie has taken many walks with me.

So yeah, Stephanie and I took a walk together…..long one, 2 hours. We talked about our relationship and what there was, and what there wasn’t. We agree on a few things…. 1) It was mutual….she was thinking it was ending soon too, I just jumped the gun. 2) Neither of us really knew if we loved each other

I asked her when the last time she felt she loved me was, she didn’t remember, but after a bit of thinking, it was over 5 years ago. I guess I wasn’t alone…

We agree there is no reconciliation for us…we are friends, and perhaps that’s all we have ever been. But I think we’re both glad of it.

I cried today, for the first time I truly cried not just eyes getting wet, but truly cried. I’m beginning to realize why my life is the way it is…maybe now I can take steps to fix it. But how? This is the question that plagues me. Every time I’ve ‘fixed’ my life in the past it has only brought me farther away from who I truly am. Although, she did tell me that it’s not a bad thing, what I’ve made myself is good. I’ve taken a person who knows no love and forced myself to feel love. Though I always question.

I also had an open and honest dialogue with her…that’s my new policy, open, honest…no matter the consequence. And that’s for anybody who knows me.

I live in a dream…and then there is dreamer. The more I think about it…the more I think that maybe…….maybe I can love? maybe I can be loved?

There have been many who I’ve manipulated, but yet to this day I have not needed to manipulate her…now, who does that remind me of?

The times have changed

The road has worn – a beaten path now

The sun nearly setting in the distance

 

So many memories – thoughts – dreams

But was any of it real?

 

How do I look to the future when –

I cannot even see where I even am – or been

Have I been lying to my myself? This whole time?

Have I been lying to everybody?

Do I even know the truth?

 

Why do I feel so trapped – in my own fears – dreams

So distant from anyone – anything – anywhere

 

I feel so alone – and yet I am surrounded

How many times will I fail – fall?

Will I ever know love – happiness?

The truth must come out –

if not now, then never.

I’ve been thinking on what stories I should include and which ones I should either not include or should make part of a larger story.

Likewise, I’m struggling with certain memories, I’ve realized that there are some interesting facts that as a child I was unaware of but now being an adult I’ve begun to realize.

[Actual Date?]

It began with a court date. I had received (after having been arrested several weeks later and released) a court appearance date. My mother was to make the arrangements for me to get there. I don’t remember how it came about but nobody could or would drive me to Seattle so I ended up having to take a bus (which was my first time riding the bus system alone) I was to take a bus from the Highlands (12th & Union) to downtown Renton and then transfer to a bus to Seattle.

At some point on the bus I was the only person remaining, the bus was heading on the highway to Seattle. I was sitting in the front of the bus so that I would be close to the driver. At some point he had asked me where I was going and I told him that I was heading to the Seattle courthouse. I suppose I made the mistake of then following up with asking if the bus went there. He told me that his bus didn’t go to the courthouse. After a while I asked him if there was a bus that would take me back to Renton, he said that there wasn’t.

Resigned to the idea of staying in Seattle, the bus driver said he’d make a phone call and have somebody meet me in Seattle to help me get home, like by arranging a ride home. I was eventually let off the bus in Seattle and began to walk up a hill. Eventually a man approached me and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was supposed to go to court but had missed or taken the wrong bus. He agreed to arrange to help me get home.

I was then taken to his apartment/condo where he said he would try to keep getting a hold of my family. At one point he asked me if I ever had a ‘hard-on’ which I mistook as ‘heart-on’ and said yes (thinking of Nessy Sly). He made another phone call and then told me that he know some really sexy women who would like to have sex with me. Of course, being a young male, I agreed to that idea. A while went by and a few phone calls later another man came to the place. I was then told that the women wanted me ‘loosened up’ before they got here. I was then given a blow job and later I was anally penetrated. I was placed (upon request, but done by myself) on his bed facing down to which he then stuck his penis in my ass.

After he finished he continued the charade of the women coming over, eventually I got tired and proceeded to sleep on his bed (or trying to) and was told that I would be woken when the women arrived. Needless to say, they never arrived nor did I sleep that well.

The next morning, he called again and reached my mother who came up to Seattle to pick me up.

No questions were really asked, but he had my number now. He called be a couple of times afterwards…and oddly…I considered calling him. As the years went by I finally came to terms with the fact that I had been raped. It was hard, but I finally realized it.

Years later I swear I’ve seen him again….and I swear he recognized me…

Ok, so here I shall begin the story of my life as I can recall it. Be warned that may and likely will change the name of people and places. I will also cross link to another blog (also mine) that has reflections, notes and additional references related to each post. In other words, Here will be the story, there will be the behind the scenes/extra materials.

I will be trying to use a code system (that is only known to me) to help me cross-reference certain points in my life, ie: A3B4 could mean the 3 address I lived at and the 4 Relationship I was in was concurrent to the events in this post. (The Letters and Numbers will be something I know based on a chart I’ve created on my home computer)

I’ll begin this later, but this is just an intro. The other blog can be found at http://qjroundy.blogspot.com which is my other/older blog where I use to do rants (some which have been removed). I will still be doing my normal (but rare) posts there, I’ll just be including the cross-posts from this site there as well.

So, I also hope to be having people post comments here, asking for more info, challenging my memory (cause it’s not perfect) as so forth. I hope to have other people also assist in editing my blog for me (in case I make mistakes such as grammar, spelling or continuity. If you know me and are interested then feel free to contact me.

This is January 10th, 2010 (Sunday) @ 12 PM

As many posts will have one date (posted) and another (actual occurring time) I will be changing dates on entries as I slowly lock down on when they occurred. Other wise, I will be using a notation like above (But maybe simpler: January 2009 [a Tuesday?] Early Morning)

The earliest memory I have is of me on a couch, the back lighting is a yellow/orange tint. The couch seems to be of an lime/orange color (think ‘70s) and has a harsh feel upon my skin. I can’t be more than a year or two old.

I am slightly aware that there are other people in my background. A male voice, I feel it is my father. Another voice, somewhat tried, is heard faintly; I feel that it was my sister.

There is a TV in front of the couch on which I am lying. It’s not turned on (or if it is, I’m unaware of it). There isn’t much I remember beyond that, but for reasons I can’t explain, there is a lot of odd emotions I feel at this time. Maybe fear of what I do not know. Maybe I’m just confused to my surrounding, sound I hear but don’t know from where they are coming.

{Early Childhood}{z30}

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